a different set of eyes...

Do you ever have those periods in your life where everything is moving so fast? Everything is in this constant state of flux and change... you want to keep up with it all but it's difficult; you feel like it might all slip through your fingers and you'll lose it all OR you'll step up and make it through in tact and all the better for it.

Well, that's not ME at all right now but I'm just saying... have you ever?

No, I'm Kidding. That IS me right now; that's my life and it's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just challenging.

I almost don't want to go into all of the things going on right now; it might be an incredibly long and tedious read. Suffice to say I am in a state of change right now; at 44 years old I am seeing life and things and people around me with a different set of eyes.

I think a few of the following images will clarify some of the things going on...

The day the Radcliffes moved to Arizona. We were close with them, they were our next-door neighbors, but not Super close with them. I miss that time with them and wish I could go back there and change some things. We were both so busy with our families and little kids but I just wish I would have gotten to know them better. It makes me think about a lot of friends in my past and what I could have done differently- but only as a catalyst for what I should do NOW with the friends I have and how I can reach BACK to these old friends and get close again. There are so many old friends who have popped up on FaceBook, it has put me in this weird spin with wanting so badly to connect with them all again...

I just thought this was a cute picture of Colin, Tait & Annika Radcliffe. They had come over for birthday cake. I LOVED that dining room... it was so perfect. This was probably about 1999...?

I am battling so badly with my weight it's driving me to the brink... here I am on my 21st birthday- I was like 122 lbs I think... I just LOVED that weight. I want so badly to get the lap band procedure done but we can not afford it and do not have the insurance needed for it; it breaks my heart. I keep TRYING to do it on my own power and I fail miserably every time... not sure what to do. It is making me more depressed than I can bear sometimes. I try to not let it get me down though because that doesn't help ANYTHING.

Not at all the most flattering picture of me... I am on the stage here about to sing with our band, the HolyTone Trio. We were opening for a comedy show, it was sold out (!) and very very fun but herein is my quandry again... I LOVE singing; it's everything to me and on the stage singing is where I feel the most alive... BUT then, I see pictures of myself and say "What on EARTH are you doing up on that stage?? Don't you know what you look like??" It is SUCH a battle...

sheesh... not good.

I've been having so much fun with my genealogy research lately... it is a bit frustrating though because I want to to it all of the time. I want to GO to these places where my ancestors were born and do SO many more things with it. It is truly an interest that consumes me and I love the discovery of it all... it takes away from other things I could be doing and should be doing... This is my Great Great Uncle Lee Sage and President Truman. He had the farm next door to Pres. Truman's mother.

Well... not my most fun post... but sometimes life is a challenge. It's not all perfect and clean and happy. I really hope I can move to a great place from this point I'm at right now. That I can take all of these new & old challenges and new & old friends and weight battles and everything and MOVE into a good direction.

Thanks for being there.